HAMLET: Soft you now, the fair Ophelia.—Nymph, in thy
orisons
Be all my sins remembered.
Hamlet’s
Fatal Flaw steps out of the shadows and stops him.
HFF: Hold on
there, cowboy. Where do you think you’re
going?
HAMLET:
What—who the devil are you and what do you mean by interrupting this pivotal
scene in the play?
HFF: I’m your
Fatal Flaw, and I just think you should pause a moment and consider what you’re
about to do.
HAMLET: What
exactly is my Fatal Flaw?
HFF: Heck if
I know.
HAMLET: You
don’t know what you are?
HFF: Not
really. Some scholars say that your
Fatal Flaw is your indecisiveness, your inability to act. If you would just murder Claudius when you
have the chance, you might save yourself from your own death, what with the
poison and the treachery and all that unpleasant business. But I don’t really think that’s your problem.
HAMLET: You
don’t, huh? And what do you think is my
problem?
HFF: What
isn’t your problem, really?
HAMLET:
You’ve got some nerve, you know?
What say you get out of my way and let me deal with Ophelia?
HFF: See,
there’s one problem right there. You and
Ophelia. She’s such a sweet girl, and
you know you love her, and yet I, your Fatal Flaw, drive you to curse her and
abuse her.
HAMLET: She
betrays me.
HFF: She
doesn’t betray you. Her father and
Claudius put her up to it, and whether or not she even knows about it entirely
depends on the director’s choice.
HAMLET: She
rejects me.
HFF: Me, me,
me – it’s all about you, isn’t it? Maybe I am Ego. That could be your Fatal Flaw. All you care about is yourself.
HAMLET: And
avenging my father’s death. Now if
you’ll excuse me…
HFF: Maybe
I’m Existentialism. That’s what that
whole “To be or not to be” speech is about, right? What’s life really mean? Why
don’t we just end it all? You over think
everything. (Hamlet walks toward Ophelia.) Wait!
I’m having an identity crisis here! I need you to help me figure out
what exactly causes your undoing. The
other Fatal Flaws are making fun of me!
HAMLET: Good
luck with that.
He
turns to Ophelia and Hamlet’s Fatal Flaw stays to watch the scene. Ophelia
looks up from her book and stands to meet Hamlet.
OPHELIA: Good
my lord, How does your Honor for this many a day?
HAMLET: I
humbly thank you, well.
OPHELIA: My
lord, I have remembrances of yours that I have longéd long to redeliver. I pray you now, receive them.
HAMLET: No,
not I. I never gave you aught.
OPHELIA: My
honored lord, you know right well you did, and with them words of so sweet
breath composed as made the things more rich.
Their perfume lost, take these again, for to the noble mind rich gifts
wax poor when lovers prove unkind.
There, my lord.
HAMLET: Haha,
are you honest?
OPHELIA: My
lord?
HAMLET: Are
you fair?
OPHELIA: What
means your lordship?
HAMLET: That
if you be honest and fair, your honesty should admit no discourse to your
beauty.
OPHELIA: Wait
a minute, we need to stop for a minute.
HAMLET:
Stop? You can’t just stop in the
middle of our scene. What is it with all these interruptions today? You’re messing with my chi.
OPHELIA: Your
chi?
HAMLET:
That’s right, my chi. My life
force, my balance.
OPHELIA:
Wow. Okay, well, sorry about
that, but we have to have a talk. I
can’t do this anymore. I can’t let you
treat me this way.
HAMLET: What
are you talking about?
OPHELIA: I’m
talking about the way you treat me. You
rant and rave at me, you physically and verbally abuse me. It’s wrong.
Did you know I’m in therapy because of you?
HAMLET: It’s
not my fault. It’s his fault. (Points to HFF)
OPHELIA: Who
is that?
HAMLET: My
Fatal Flaw.
OPHELIA: What
is your Fatal Flaw, anyway?
HAMLET: We
can’t put a finger on it.
OPHELIA:
Whatever. Don’t use him as a
scape goat. You’re responsible for your
own actions.
HAMLET: No,
I’m really not. In the first place, I’m
written this way. I can’t change my
etymological make-up. And yes, I’m
completely at the mercy of my Fatal Flaw.
OPHELIA: You
can’t even identify your Fatal Flaw, so how can you be at the mercy of it?
HAMLET: Ask
him.
HFF: It’s
true. I have him completely in my power.
OPHELIA: Shut
up. This is a private conversation.
HFF: No,
actually it’s not. Claudius and Polonius
are overhearing every word.
OPHELIA:
What?
Claudius
and Polonius come
out of hiding.
CLAUDIUS:
It’s true. Hamlet’s physical and
emotional response to you are excellent indications of his madness.
HAMLET: I am
but mad north-north-west. When the wind
is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw.
POLONIUS: You
might as well know it, Ophelia, Claudius and I set this whole meeting between
you and Hamlet up in order to determine whether or not he is mad.
OPHELIA: Yes,
I already know. You use me. Your own daughter. You use me like a mouse to catch a cat.
POLONIUS:
Well, in a manner of speaking, yes.
But it is for the good of all parties involved. You included.
OPHELIA:
Really? Do you know that in
trying so hard to figure out if Hamlet is mad, you drive me mad in the process?
POLONIUS: I
know some repercussions are to be expected.
OPHELIA: Do
you know that I die? I drown, for your
information.
POLONIUS: Oh,
my darling girl. And I’m not there to
save you because I die first.
OPHELIA:
Precisely. Are you all aware that
we are all on the same downward spiral to destruction? Not one of us gets out of here alive. Don’t you think that’s obscene?
HAMLET: Yeah,
bummer.
OPHELIA: You
all set yourselves on a path of deceitfulness, destruction, and death, and
you’re so caught up in it that you don’t care who you take with you. I am the only innocent one here. Look, Hamlet.
I’ve done a lot of internal work to accept my fate. All I’m asking for is some explanation. What happened between us?
HAMLET: I did
love you once.
OPHELIA:
Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.
HAMLET: You
should not have believed me. I loved you
not.
OPHELIA: I
don’t want to do the scene now, Hamlet.
I’m trying to talk to you on an honest level here. I’m asking you to open up to me like you used
to and tell me your true feelings.
HAMLET: Can’t
do it.
OPHELIA: Why?
HAMLET:
Because then we’d be Romeo and Juliet.
OPHELIA: Tell
me how you really feel about me or I’m walking.
HAMLET:
What? You can’t go rogue!
CLAUDIUS:
Ophelia, don’t be a foolish girl.
There’s a harsh penalty for characters who go rogue, you know that. Polonius, talk some sense into your daughter.
POLONIUS:
Daughter, this is ridiculous. You
wouldn’t put all of us in danger of non-existence, would you?
OPHELIA: I’m
thinking about it. All I want is for you
all to own up to what you do to me.
CLAUDIUS: You
really are to blame, Polonius. She’s your
daughter, after all. You should stand up
for her.
POLONIUS:
Excuse me, but you’re my king. I
pretty much have to go along with anything you say.
CLAUDIUS:
That isn’t entirely true. You
have a mind of your own, right? I’ve always respected you for your good
council. There’s a possibility I would
listen to it if you went against my plan here.
POLONIUS:
Yeah, right! You’re so focused on
not getting caught for the murder of the previous king that you’ll use anyone
to get Hamlet out of the way.
CLAUDIUS: Oh,
I didn’t know you knew about that.
POLONIUS: Of
course I know about it! I may be old,
but I’m not stupid or blind!
OPHELIA:
Father, Claudius, please. This is
about me. Focus on me for a minute. Hamlet?
What do you have to say to me?
HAMLET:
Fine. Ophelia, this whole scene
we do here is poppycock. I’m madly in
love with you the whole time, okay?
OPHELIA:
Okay. Thank you.
HAMLET: I mean,
I’m only cruel to you because I know the king and your father are watching, and
I want them to think I’m mad. But this
scene kills me. The whole time I’m
cursing you and throwing you to the floor and stuff, I’m thinking “I love
you! Marry me!” But of course I can’t say that.
OPHELIA:
Okay, I understand now.
HAMLET: And
when you die, I about die with you.
Seriously, I want to jump in that grave and be buried with you. I hate that my last words to you are “To a
nunnery, go.” I hate that I can never
tell you how I truly feel about you.
OPHELIA:
Okay, Hamlet, point taken. You
love me. That’s all I wanted to know.
HAMLET: You
complete me.
OPHELIA: We
can go back to the scene now.
POLONIUS: (Throwing himself at her feet) Daughter,
forgive me! If I had known how all this
would have turned out, I would have taken you away from this place.
OPHELIA:
Good. As long as you know you’re
wrong.
POLONIUS: I
would do anything if only I could right it.
OPHELIA:
Great. I forgive you. Now back to your hiding place. (he
goes) Claudius, have you anything to say?
CLAUDIUS: No. I have no regrets.
OPHELIA:
Really? Okay, well two apologies
out of three is not bad. I’m ready to
move on.
Claudius
returns to hiding place.
OPHELIA: (cont.)
Now where were we?
HAMLET: Let’s
take it from, “I loved you not.” You
should not have believed me. I loved you
not.
OPHELIA: I
was the more deceived.
HAMLET: Get
thee to a nunnery. Why woulds’t thou be
a breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest, but yet I could accuse me
of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me: (lights
start to fade) I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offenses
at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in…
Slow
fade to blackout.
